


If you'd like

by collectingnames



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Scars, spoilers up through ep49
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 22:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20478662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collectingnames/pseuds/collectingnames
Summary: He knew tonight was going to be bad. He knew it the moment Caleb told them that he wasn't Caleb, that he'd been Bren once upon a time. But he had much less experience with this than the rest of the group. The deep guilt and shame and sadness sewn into Caleb's skin was daunting. It feels like the moment he tries to unsew it Caleb will fall apart completely. He didn't know how to fix it, not even close. But he wants to.





	If you'd like

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by this fanart https://twitter.com/annathenewt/status/1150197792956211200?s=19
> 
> Taliesin going over what Cad thinks about the rest of the party and Liam saying that Caleb feels "ruined" in Talks for ep72 made me write this.

_ "Caleb? Can you hear me?...It's okay, you're not there anymore." _

\--

It had been a long day, painfully long if he was being honest with himself. He was still piecing it together himself. Nott is Veth and Caleb is Bren? But they were still calling them Nott and Caleb. It had sent a chill up his spine seeing Caleb and Nott so distraught, at first individually, then at each other when they learned how their pasts intertwined. He'd wanted to hold Caleb close when he threw up but kept himself composed for the group's sake. Instead he'd settled for a comforting hand and reassuring words. But Caleb still hadn't put the bandages back on, after staring at them for hours Caduceus could see they made a pattern, jerky and uneven but there was a pattern to the marks, an arcane sigil of some sort.

He knew tonight was going to be bad. He knew it the moment Caleb told them that he wasn't Caleb, that he'd been Bren once upon a time. But he had much less experience with this than the rest of the group. The deep guilt and shame and sadness sewn into Caleb's skin was daunting. It feels like the moment he tries to unsew it Caleb will fall apart completely. He didn't know how to fix it, not even close. But he wants to.

The rest of the nein were so exhausted that Caleb's sleep-smothered screams didn't wake them up. Except for Caduceus who, on top of being a light sleeper, was too wound up to fall all the way asleep to begin with. He roused himself from his half-sleep and took careful, quiet steps over to Caleb's bedroll. Caleb's eyes were lidded and glazed but he didn't seem entirely awake or aware. His shirt and hair were plastered to his skin with cold sweat and he was just barely mumbling something under his breath in Zemnian. He started small, just pushes some of his hair off his forehead and Caleb doesn't react. He let his hand trail down to his pulse and found it quickly. The pulse burned underneath his fingers, his heart was beating far too fast. Caleb's hands were clammy and his skin so pale he had an unhealthy gray pallor to him. So pale that for once in his life Caduceus was darker than somebody. He loosely threads his own fingers in Caleb's. 

"Mr. Caleb?" His voice was hushed so as not to wake the others and not startle his friend too bad if this did work.

Caleb stirred slightly, his glazed eyes find Caduceus' and register with recognition before glazing over again. But he says nothing.

Caduceus crouched down, practically lying flat on his front to inspect Caleb's face, "Caleb? Can you hear me? Are you awake?"

Caleb's breath hitched in his chest and he could see the tremors building in him.

He sat up and pulling Caleb up into his lap comes as second nature. He's in pain and that's why he's stuck around with the Nein for so long right? They were all in so much pain when he'd met them, he couldn't just walk away when they needed his help. He can't heal pasts but maybe he can be a balm in the present. Caleb was seated on one of Caduceus' legs with his side pressed against his chest. Seated was perhaps, a bit generous. He's slumped just right for Caduceus to keep him propped up with his own body. One arm is around his front to keep him from falling face first, the other making circles on his back. Pressed together he can feel how Caleb was somehow too hot and too cold all at once. "Caleb? Can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me."

Caleb slumped further against his arm but he can't tell if that's supposed to be a nod.

"Caleb?" He tried again, "What is it?"

Much to his surprise Caleb twists one arm so the forearm faces outwards, where Caduceus can see all the jagged scars on him, "**Out**."

He can tell by the look in his eyes that he wasn't actually here, he _ might _ be able to hear him, but that's about it, "They are, they are, it's okay, you're gonna be okay."

Tears tumbled without resistance from Caleb and he repeats himself, "**Out**."

Caduceus wrapped himself a little tighter around him, "Caleb, come on, listen, listen, you're safe now. You're safe."

There's some relief at the fact that he can't feel any tremors in Caleb anymore, "_ Please _."

Caduceus tried to cast Calm Emotions but it didn't take hold, "Caleb, _ Can you hear me?...It's okay, you're not there anymore. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. _"

Another choked sob wracked Caleb's chest, a little more coherent this time, "It hurts."

"I know, I know, I know," Caduceus mumbled into his hair as he clutched Caleb closer to his chest.

Caduceus woke up the next morning with Caleb curled to his chest. Not an entirely new thing. He was the largest and by extension the warmest, on colder nights the rest of the nein would slowly gravitate towards him. Caleb was still asleep. Is this what it was like when Frumpkin fell asleep in Caleb's lap and he wouldn't get up because it would wake him? Probably. He lifted his head up a little to try and see if anyone else was up. Beau seemed to be pulling herself up out of a dream but not quite awake yet. Who cares? Caleb was in distress. Any other feelings he may or may not have about the wizard were less important than the fact that in the moment he'd needed his help. Caleb stirred against his chest.

"Mmm, Caduceus?" He snaked an arm up to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

"You're awake!" Caduceus said it louder than he had meant to, immediately checked to see if he'd woken up the others.

Caleb rested his head against his chest, "Why are you holding me?"

"You were having a nightmare. I was worried about you. It was uhmm, it was intense," Caduceus forced himself to not pull the man in closer.

"Oh..._ danke _, Mr Clay," there was a long pause before he spoke again, "was I speaking? Nott tells me I talk in my sleep sometimes."

A very hesitant, "Yes."

"What did I say?"

"You should rest."

"I _ am _ rested, Caduceus. Is that not why you are holding me?"

Caduceus half-lied, "I don't know, it was in Zemnian."

"Alright then," Caleb grumbled, he didn't seem to believe him.

Caduceus felt the blush start to creep into his cheeks, "Um, do you want me to let go?"

He could feel Caleb tense up underneath him, "No, not yet."

Caduceus walked at the front of the group along with Fjord and Beau. No one had commented on how they'd woken up to him holding Caleb. He futzed with a loose piece of straw in his hat. Felderwin didn't quite seem real, more like a fuzzy half-place that was meant for holding secrets, not a place that people lived and other people could visit. 

"Hey, Clay," Fjord spoke up and snatched his attention, "You alright there? Lookin' a little clammy."

"Hm? Oh! Yes, yes, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. What about you? Glad to be back on dry land?" Caduceus turned the attention off of himself.

"Yeah, I suppose," Fjord took a second to think about his answer, "Can you believe Nott has a family? She's had a family this whole time and somehow managed to keep it from Caleb? Those two are thick as thieves and not even he knew."

Beau chimed in, "She didn't know a bunch of stuff about Caleb. They both had their shit they didn't wanna smell."

"You didn't seem quite as surprised as the rest of us," Caduceus noted.

Beau spun her bowstaff absentmindedly in one hand, "I was surprised!"

"It wasn't an accusation," Caduceus.

"You're super perceptive an' shit. Did you have any idea, Clay?" Fjord chimed in.

"No. A fear of fire didn't strike me as all that odd," Caduceus slipped his hands into his pockets to keep himself from nervously unravelling his hat.

Fjord frowned, "For real though, are ya feelin' alright? You look sick."

He shook his head indistinctly, "I think I'm gonna just, hang towards the back."

Caduceus had to walk past Caleb to get to the back where Jester kept up the rear. He glanced down out of the corner of his eye as he passed. Either Caleb purposely wasn't returning his gaze or just hadn't noticed him, both were reasonable assumptions. Caleb had his coat sleeves rolled down but he could still see the ends of a few scars poking out past the cuffs. He only had a few seconds before he was too far away. Was he going to? He put a hand up to lightly brush Caleb's shoulder as he went by. Surprisingly, he didn't feel any sort of reaction.

"Oh hey, Caduuuceus," Jester perked up when he fell in step with her.

"Jester," her unflinching positivity brought a smile to his face.

She sighed, "this must be strange for you. You said you hadn't left the grove before?"

"I mean. I'd been in town before. But, I mean, this is Xhorhas we're headed," he deflected and answered her question.

She gave him a funny look, "Do you need healing? You look a little feverish."

"No! No, I'm fine. If I were sick I would just heal myself. Can I ask a, small favor of you?" He stopped walking, just long enough to put himself and Jester firmly out of earshot from the rest of the group.

"What is it?" Jester sounded concerned but there was still an eager spark in her eyes.

He dropped his voice even lower into a whisper, "Could you let Mr. Caleb know that uh, I'd like to talk to him. In private? Nothing's wrong! I just. I think I need to talk to him."

"I mean, of course I'll do it but I don't know Caduceus, you _ sound _ like something might be wrong," Jester rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet with restless energy.

"Thank you, Miss Jester. I'm sure everything will work out in the end," Caduceus started back towards the group.

"Oh! Wait! Caduceus! One second let me fix your hat!" Jester had to get up on tiptoes to just barely manage to reach his hat and slot the loose straw back into place.

"Oh! Thank you," it was undeniably a kind gesture but he'd sort of liked having something to just mindlessly keep his hands occupied with.

_ Destiny sure is a funny thing _ , he thought to himself as he settled down for the night. Now wasn't the time to talk about destiny though. Destiny didn't make the things that had already happened hurt any less. He was sure there was some reason behind why he'd had to be alone for so long but he'd still been alone. Things have a sort of way of wrapping together for a common goal. _ Like how Nott and Caleb's histories had intersected without them ever realizing _. The last time he'd felt so uncertain he'd been half drowned several times over and completely fresh to seafaring.

Jester stretched in front of the campfire, "Hey! Who's taking first watch?"

"I will," Caleb took a seat next to the fire and pulled out his spellbook from the harness.

"I'll join you," Caduceus spoke up.

"Okay! Sounds good! Good _ niiiiight _!" Jester sauntered off towards her bedroll.

The two of them sat next to the fire in silence. Caleb was too focused on using the time to study his spells to talk. He stole a few sidelong glances down at the wizard's...notes? Caduceus didn't know much about wizardry. His own spells came from intuition more than study. He'd never once taken the time to really map out the intracacies of the spells the Wildmother gave him. But he had enough sense to recognize a spell when he saw it written down. He wasn't looking at a spell. He was looking at rough paper, cracked from water damage and the edges singed. Some of the writing was smudged by water droplets. He didn't recognize the script, couldn't read it at all. But it looked like there might have been snippets of Common and Zemnian to fill in where the main language didn't have a word for something.

Caleb's grip on his quill suddenly went white-knuckled, still with his eyes fixed firmly on the book in his lap, "Jester told me you wanted to talk?"

"Yes, I just wanted to double-check on you," it wasn't a lie. Though he still felt a nagging at the back of his neck that he was getting too close, that this was too close, that Caleb wanted him to just go away.

Caleb slipped the book back into its harness, out of sight, "Thank you. That was very kind, what you did."

"You were in pain," Caduceus blurted.

He started nervously twisting his hair around one finger, "You could understand me, couldn't you?"

A long, deep sigh through his nose, "Yeah..."

"Sorry for waking you," he started folding in on himself, tucking his knees to his chest.

Caduceus put a hand on his back, "No need, I uh, had a question actually."

Caleb tensed underneath his palm, if he tensed anymore he would snap clean in two, "_ Ja _, what is it?"

"Would you like me to call you Bren? Not around the others, just, it seems like you miss being Bren. It would only be when we're alone. I could do that, if you'd like," his chest felt lighter now that he'd finally managed to ask it. 

Caleb put his forehead to the heel of his palm, eyes wide and fixed in the middle distance between his knees and the ground. _ Oh no, oh no, oh no. _

"Caleb?" His voice pitched up with concern.

He shook his head in his hand, "No, no, that is so, that is very kind of you, Clay. But I am. I am. I am ruined. I do not get to be that man anymore."

** _ruined, ruined_ ** , _ no, you aren't, you aren't _ ** _ruined_ ** _ Caleb Widogast, you, no! _

He wrapped an arm around Caleb's shoulders and pressed him close, "The more you say things about yourself like that the more you'll believe them."

"It is easy to believe things that are true," Caleb said it with a spark of impotent anger, the futile feeling of fighting against yourself.

"I get it if you don't feel like you can be that person right now. But with luck, I know one day you can be someone you're happy with. I don't know if that's Bren. I don't know if that's Caleb. I don't know if that's someone else entirely. But I for one will be here to greet him," he bent over to meet Caleb's gaze, the man's eyes glistening and bloodshot from barely restrained tears.

He spoke between labored breaths that desperately wanted to take in as much air as they could and just sob, "You are a good man, Caduceus."

Caleb's head fit nicely underneath his chin the closer he pulled him in, "So are you."

After a few hours Caduceus carefully stood up, easing Caleb out of his lap, to go wake up the next two for watch. He was about to lie down when he noticed Caleb standing awkwardly a few feet away, glancing up and down from his feet.

"Um, Caduceus?" Caleb asked, rubbing a thumb along a scar on the opposite arm.

"Yes, Caleb?" Something nervous fluttered in his chest.

"Can I-?" He cut himself off trying to think of a better way to say the next part, gave up, "Can I sleep with you?"

Caduceus brushed back a bit of hair from Caleb's face, "Of course. Do you want me to wake you up if you're having a nightmare?"

He thought about it, "_ Ja _, please."

He took a seat on his bedroll, one large hand outstretched to take Caleb's, giving him the warmest smile with his eyes all scrunched up, "Well, you coming?"


End file.
